A Sentence A Day Week Two and Three

15th June 2013
Weighed myself, not feeling good about the number on the scales but then again I do like a challenge.

16th June 2013
Father’s Day, a difficult time but time to suck it up and give Dad some well deserved attention.

17th June 2013
So unbelievably tired; feel like I’m wandering through a dreamscape.

18th June 2013
Almost forgot today, fighting sleep to write this!

19th June 2013
Writing this late but what an epic day; happiness reigns.

20th June 2013
Had an urge to get pen pals, now I’ve got about 10; best I get writing!

21st June 2013
Completely and utterly drained, exhausted.

22nd June 2013
Panic attack in the supermarket, nice.

23rd June 2013
Dinner at mum’s; lovely apple crumble, feels like being home.

24th June 2013
Weird day; didn’t know which way was up.

25th June 2013
Starting to feel a little more normal, if still tearful at times.

26th June 2013
Dying to be laying out in the sun in my garden right now.

27th June 2013
Plans are afoot…

28th June 2013
A long day to end a long week.

As you can tell I’ve been all over the place this past couple of weeks, it’s been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, hence me forgetting to post week two last week! Hopefully things are starting to even out and the weights on my shoulders are gradually beginning to lighten!

The Staples ARC System Part 2

So, back to the ARC notebook! It is currently being thoroughly road tested and accompanies me everywhere. So, what’s the paper quality like I hear you cry?

Due to the way the notebook works, the paper has to be fairly heavy duty to stand being put on and taken off the discs; I believe the paper weighs in at 100gsm! It is utterly beautiful to write on…

I’m currently using a bog standard (but pretty butterfly covered) ballpoint from Sainsbury’s and fairly inky felt tip pens (on poor quality paper they tend to make the paper wet and grainy) and honestly, this paper is a joy. No feathering and look, no bleed through whatsoever:

The notebook lays perfectly flat, although the one thing I would say is that if you’re going to try to use this as a Filofax style life binder, invest in the bigger discs as the notebook will not close properly on the standard discs and it has no closure to keep everything in.

So all in all, it’s thumbs up for the ARC, I now can’t imagine life without it (until I find a Filofax I love that is!)

A Sentence A Day Week One

In an attempt to begin regular journaling, I spotted a few people doing just a few lines every day. Ideal, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t managed to do it for a whole week (I can be a bit of a flake with stuff like this). So, I’m hoping to publish this every Saturday and have a look at how my week has gone!

8th June 2013
I am looking out of the window at the ivy on the house across the road blowing in the breeze; it’s quite beautiful.

9th June 2013
Determined to stop binge eating; I will get to the root of it and I will change my life.

10th June 2013
So relieved to be back at work, nice to be somewhere that I’m appreciated.

11th June 2013
Staples order has arrived, big ‘squee’ moment at all the possibilities of my new notebook.

12th June 2013
Desperate to see a new horizon; tired of the same old life day in, day out, tired of the same faces and places.

13th June 2013
In an odd mood today; everything is neutral and I feel very contemplative.

14th June 2013
I could sit in my car and just close my eyes right now; sunshine, a cool breeze and daydreaming of a better future for myself.

This week I’ve been all about planning to make life better for myself; hopefully next week some of the plans will click into action!

A Slight Stationery Obsession Part One

The most enduring of my obsessions is stationery. I have been a lot more restrained in recent years but I still have boxes of notebooks, my heart still skips at the sight of a pretty pen, and post it notes…..let’s not even go there. As you know, this scanner is slightly (understatement) disorganised, and I’ve recently been reading blogs of Filofax users and lovers. And it made me think….I could do with one of those.

But they’re ever so expensive, and would it just be another one of those things I got on a whim and never used? Or would I just be overwhelmed at trying to pick the nicest one that I thought represented my personality (oh yes, stationery choices define me, deal with it).

I remembered a while ago mooching around Staples and coming across their ARC notebook system and picking up lots of things before putting them all back again because I had no clear plan for what I wanted to do with it.

Well, now I do.

I don’t think I need to explain the excitement of coming back from a meeting at work to find a package on my desk….

Oh the temptation…

And the ‘squee!’ moment I had upon opening the package…

Just a little peek…

And the moment in my car where I hauled it all out and tried to arrange it in an attractive fashion:

Yes, they’re laid out on my car seat, I couldn’t wait!

I’ve been using this for a few days now, as an interim to really decide if I’d like a Filofax to try to keep the new me organised. So, a few photos to try to show the quality coming up….

The scent of leather was lovely

The first thing that hits you as it comes out of it’s protective bag is the smell of the leather *swoon*. The stitching on the leather is very neat and even, and it looks fairly hard wearing. I got this one in burgundy, although it was though to choose a colour as there are so many attractive options. In the picture online I hated the plastic at the edge for the rings but I now quite like it and don’t feel that it detracts from the notebook at all.

Laying beautifully flat

Inside, I was pleased to find a secretarial pocket and three card slots. The pocket is very tight at the moment, I put two flat envelopes in there and it was just about full, but that’s ok, it in theory will prevent me from carrying too much rubbish about.

A handy little secretarial pocket!

It was a struggle to put it all back in the Jiffy bag and wait until I got home to set it up, but I did so. A very pleasant evening was the spent cross legged on my bed setting my new system up.

Coming very shortly in part two and three, the rest of my cute ass stationery haul, paper quality and set up!

Thoughts on trying and failing to lose weight

Today, whilst thinking about my ongoing life renovation I started thinking about my struggles to lose weight. A lady who is a good friend of mine recently spoke candidly about her experience of being anorexic, and how it has never really left her.

My weight isn’t much to do with what I eat at meals, or even really what people see me snacking on (although I am sometimes the terror of the work biscuit tin). My weight is the result of secret binges, piles of food stuffed into me whilst on the way home from work, thinking that I’m safe doing it like that because nobody I know will see me. I don’t even taste the food, I’m not hungry for it, it’s just shovelling as much into me as I can. It’s the only self destructive behaviour I really have left, but it’s the one that’s proving hardest to beat.

I’ve been reading a lot about habit formation and I’m starting to think that this may be why Weight Watchers isn’t really working for me. It’s why Cambridge Diet was only a temporary sticking plaster.

The real problem isn’t my portion sizes at meals, it’s not lack of knowledge or willpower. It’s the issues and habit of my binges.

I wonder if people who binge and people who are anorexics started with the same problems, but just took those problems and ran in opposite but equally dangerous and maladaptive directions with them. I have OCD characteristics, depression, anxiety, control issues. These have led to me seeking comfort and refuge in my car with crisps, donuts and chocolate. On some parallel world somewhere, that girl might be trying to seek comfort and refuge in refusing food and pushing her body to be thinner and thinner.

With this knowledge, I’m going to try to go about my weight loss in a different way. As in, I’m not going to focus on it at all. I’m going to start focussing on my triggers and habits that make binge eating normal for me. I’m going to re-educate myself on ‘normal’ eating and try to find other ways that don’t involve food to cope with and resolve my emotional issues. I’m still going to weigh myself but I think and hope that weight loss will be a byproduct of adopting a healthier mindset.

We’ll see.

In other news, watch this space for pictures of the result of me indulging my stationery fetish! Should be landing with me by Tuesday and I’m quite looking forward to opening a new, more organised chapter of my life.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Yesterday I did indeed go running. I had been saying to all and sundry that I was going to on various different days, but the lure to stay in bed was too strong for this wee girlie. So how did I manage to be up, about, and wobbling along at 6.30 am you ask?

I went to bed in my running clothes.

Oh yes I did.

Week one day one of the Race For Life training plan for beginners (jogging) wasn’t entirely a success I must admit. However, this was the first time I’ve run on grass (and the riverbank isn’t exactly ankle friendly) and I managed to do two of the prescribed three jogging intervals. I’m hoping to be able to do three tomorrow morning, and then up to the four required intervals on Monday morning. I do know however that if I have to add an extra day in before moving on, I won’t be phased by that. Some people are more of a beginner that others!

There’s a lot going on behind the scenes in my life at the moment, and I’m craving new beginnings. I’m also craving order and control back in my life, and I’m going to have to make some serious changes to the way I live to accomplish that. It’s time to outgrow the self destructive behaviours, and I think I’m ready.

Day one in the bread free house

(Said in a Geordie accent a la Big Brother of course)

I decided to recap day one after I had slept on it, to make sure I didn’t write a ‘yay I made it a day without bread!’ Post and then gorge myself on the loaf of wholemeal in the cupboard.

Well. I did make the first day without bread. That’s the plus side. On the negative side my mind decided it was going to make up the bread deficit with crisps and chocolate. Not good. My willpower seemed to have taken a holiday yesterday, but I’ve decided this was just teething troubles, and today will be a better day. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t miss it at all yesterday, but then it is just bread- I’m not going terribly low carb or cutting out wheat or gluten. It’s also worth noting that this isn’t forever, but more to prove to myself that I don’t need it, and when I go back to eating bread it will be in a much more sensible way.

When I was tracking using the weightwatchers app, it really did become apparent that I am eating way too much in the way of bread based products. Toast for breakfast, a sandwich or roll for lunch, bread and butter for a snack in the evenings. And that was on a good day.

So far today, on day two, it’s going ok. I’ve had my usual rice cakes and chocolate Saturday morning treat and again, I’m not missing bread. Crumpets will do me fine for lunch and we’ll have something nice for dinner. See you tomorrow morning, when hopefully I won’t be reporting another crisp Armageddon!

Goodbye, bread.

Today I am saying a fairly spectacular goodbye to bread. My usual fervour with any new activity died off slightly after a wonderful weekend in Southport, and as usual it is taking me so long to get back into the weightwatchers saddle.

Mr Disorganised and I can eat bread. Lots of bread. On a bad day we will happily (or not so happily) munch through an entire loaf between us. Obviously, this is part of the reason for both of us being..err….hefty. Yeah. Hefty.

Now, while I do have the pleasure of actually being big boned (I was thin once and we discovered that then – even with hip bones sticking out and ribs showing, I’m still classified as overweight. Either I’m big boned or I have lead ankles) and Mr D is very, very strong and very broad, we need to she’d this weight, and I think bread might be the key. I’ll never be able to give it up fully, nor do I want to. But I eat far too much and I think it’s causing a nasty permanent bloat.

So. One more fish finger sandwich, and I’m giving up bread for a week. I’ve said it now so I’ve got to do it! I’ll check in tomorrow, see you then!